In the spring, I did a talk for REEL called “Reduce Power Struggles with Your 2e Kid.” When parents shared their most common power struggles, homework was high on the list. In this blog post, I’ll talk about how to use some of the principles from the talk to reduce power struggles around homework specifically.
I hope some of the ideas in this blog post feel relevant for your family or inspire your own creative ideas to reduce stress around homework.
If you’d like to watch the whole talk about reducing power struggles, you can see it on YouTube here. If you’d like more help with power struggles, you may also be interested in my free email mini course, Reduce Power Struggles with Your Gifted/2e Kid.
Big idea 1: Make tasks easier
If homework is a constant source of power struggles, there’s likely something about homework that’s hard for your kid. You may already know what’s hard, or you may have to observe, experiment, or talk with your kid to understand what feels hard.
Some common challenges with homework include:
The homework is too boring or easy, so it’s hard to engage or focus
The homework feels meaningless, so it’s hard to engage
The kid is too fatigued or out of capacity to do homework after school
Handwriting is effortful, and the homework requires handwriting
It’s hard to get started on homework
It’s hard to organize homework and break it down into manageable tasks, so it feels overwhelming
Here are some ways you can make homework feel easier:
Remove homework entirely, or significantly reduce the amount
If homework is tough for your kid or teen, for any reason, I highly encourage you to see if you can remove homework altogether or significantly reduce their homework load.
If your kid already has an IEP or 504 plan, you may be able to advocate for a “no homework” accommodation. Other common accommodations allow kids to complete shortened assignments (e.g., only the odd-numbered problems), get excused from some assignments, or work on homework for a set amount of time each night (e.g., do 15 minutes of homework then stop, no matter how much progress they’ve made).
Even if your kid doesn’t have an IEP or 504 plan, or if they attend a private school, you can ask their teacher(s) if their homework load can be reduced using one of the accommodations above or any adjustment the teachers are open to. For example, perhaps your kid could be excused from homework that covers a concept or skill they’ve already mastered.
If the teachers won’t make changes, and homework is a significant source of stress, you may want to request an initial evaluation for special education (make sure you request it in writing) to see if your kid qualifies for accommodations and adjustments in work load.
Use accommodations related to your kid’s disability or neurodivergence
Appropriate accommodations and supports can reduce stress during homework time.
For example, kids who are dyslexic can use audiobooks for reading assignments and speech-to-text or dictation for assignments that require writing. Kids who have dysgraphia often prefer to type instead of handwrite, to dictate their answers, or to use speech-to-text software. If the teacher is open to it, your kid could record voice memos or short videos that demonstrate their understanding, for assignments that are focused on content instead of writing skills.
At home, ADHDers often benefit from help organizing tasks, getting started on tasks, and re-focusing on tasks when they’re distracted. ADHDers may find it helpful to use body doubling - for example, doing homework with friends (either in person or online), or doing homework near a parent who is also working on a task, such as making dinner or doing their own work.
Some ADHDers find homework stressful because they forget what assignments to do and they forget materials at school. It can be helpful to set up systems that make it easier to access homework information at home. For example, many schools offer online assignment management software that teachers can use to share handouts, instructions, and necessary materials. Kids with ADHD can also receive extra copies of workbooks or textbooks to refer to at home, so they don’t need to remember to transport materials each day.
Other ways to make homework easier
Outside of disability-specific accommodations, you can also get creative about anything that might make homework feel easier.
Here are some strategies that parents of 2e kids often find helpful:
Provide a snack or treat at the start of homework to ease the transition.
Offer hands-on help getting started, without putting too much stress or pressure on the process.
Play or cuddle with kids before homework to offer a big dose of regulation after a long school day.
Create a special spot for homework - with string lights, a clean working area, or a spot for the family pet to snuggle with your kid while they work.
Hire a homework helper, tutor, academic coach, or executive functioning coach to provide hands-on help with homework. Sometimes a twice-exceptional high schooler or college student makes a great mentor and homework helper for a younger 2e student.
Big idea 2: Enhance autonomy
Sometimes a power struggle can be avoided - even when a task is difficult - if a kid feels a sense of autonomy about how they approach, manage, or define the task.
If you want to enhance your kid’s perception of autonomy around homework, here are some questions you can ask yourself -
What’s my main goal around homework?
What else could be flexible about the homework process?
What is my kid telling me (or showing me) about how they want to approach homework? Are they asking me for anything in regards to how they do homework? Could I follow their lead or give them what they’re asking for?
Based on your answers to these questions, you could consider different ways to offer your child a greater sense of autonomy around homework. You may need to experiment to see what works best for your kid or teen.
Here are a few ideas to enhance a kid’s autonomy around homework and thereby reduce power struggles:
Give your kid some say over when and where they do homework
For example, would they like a break when they get home before they start? Would they prefer to do homework before or after dinner? Would they prefer to work in the living room or the kitchen table?)
Avoid correcting or reviewing your kid’s homework
Many parents feel pressured to monitor their kid’s approach to homework or review the work itself to make sure their kid is doing their best work, but this often leads to power struggles, arguments, and tears.
Parents can often reduce power struggles around homework by letting the teacher provide any corrective feedback that’s needed. This can be especially effective in elementary and middle school, when grades are usually of little lifelong importance.
Understand your kid’s preferred working style and let them experiment to see what works
For example, many ADHDers find it easier to do simple tasks like a math worksheet if they’re also allowed to re-watch a favorite TV show or listen to music at the same time.
Many 2e kids may also find it difficult to focus on bigger projects when there isn’t a sense of urgency about getting them done. Kids and teens are often shamed about “procrastinating,” but waiting for a sense of urgency can actually be a very effective strategy! Many neurodivergent adults use strategic delay to help them focus on their work when it truly needs to get done. Many 2e kids and teens can still ace assignments when they do them at the last minute. Not all assignments can be completed effectively this way, but in my experience parents and teachers often have an overly negative view of procrastination that creates unnecessary power struggles and conflict with 2e kids.
De-emphasize homework
When your reflect on your goals around homework, you may also realize that you don’t care much about your kid’s homework itself - or that your real goal is to have peace again at home. Many parents notice that homework doesn’t serve much of a learning purpose for their 2e kid, or that the costs outweigh potential benefits.
If you decide that your main goal around homework is for it to stop ruining your afternoons, evenings, and weekends, you may decide to drop the issue of homework altogether (and give your kid complete autonomy)…to give your kid explicit permission to stop doing homework…or to focus on advocating with the school to reduce or remove the homework load.
Big idea 3: Wait to teach
What does it mean to “wait to teach”?
When your kid is stressed, upset, annoyed, agitated, or annoyed by homework (or anything), try to resist the urge to “teach” them anything or say something instructional or helpful in that agitated moment.
When kids are avoiding homework, complaining about homework, or mad about homework, parents often feel pulled to offer helpful ideas, resolve the problem, or point out how their child has contributed to their own difficult situation.
In my experience, though, any statements that sound like “teaching” tend to upset 2e kids further and often contribute to an argument and a power struggle.
A kid or teen who’s upset about homework is often craving validation - they want their parent to believe them and to see how stressful homework is.
Validating comments about homework might sound like:
You’re right, homework is no fun.
I always hated homework too.
You’ve already had a long day and you just want to relax.
This assignment doesn’t make sense.
10 pages is too many!
You must be exhausted.
It can be helpful to remember that homework is often stressful and tough for 2e kids - so there’s often a valid reason they’re upset or resisting their homework.
Put it all together
Depending on your kid’s homework situation, you might find it helpful to use any or all of the three big ideas above to help you reduce power struggles around homework.
For some kids, validation instead of “teaching” is all that’s needed. For other kids, removing the pressure around homework is best.
You might already have a gut sense of what your kid needs, or you may need to experiment with different supports and strategies to see what helps.
If you want to try some of these ideas but you’d like help and encouragement along the way, you might be interested in my highly-supportive 8-week coaching program, Support Your Intense Gifted/2e Kid.
Best of luck with the start of the school year - I hope it’s one with fewer homework-related power struggles!