REEL Spotlight Series: Learning about 2e/Emotional Regulation

A 3-Step Pathway to Better Regulation Management (Part 2 of 4)

The first article in this series provided an Introduction and Overview to Emotional Regulation. In this second article we address the question “How do we put all of this information into action?” Based on our synthesis of the available information, small group discussions, and hands-on work with dozens of families of 2e learners, we suggest a 3-step pathway that simplifies and combines ideas on self-regulation and energy management through the 2e lens. This approach underscores why punishment is not an effective long-term solution for emotional regulation—behavioral challenges often stem from environmental triggers and skill deficits that must be addressed through collaboration and support to achieve meaningful growth.

Step 1. Identify Indicators: Communication Through Behaviors and Experiences

Managing stress and energy levels lies at the heart of self-regulation. This isn’t possible if we don’t have self-awareness about how our body and brain respond to emotions. Many neurodivergent and twice-exceptional people may have trouble recognizing and naming their emotions (known as alexithymia), but they still experience them, perhaps just differently than expected.

Given this, a critical first step in self-understanding to support self-regulation is understanding our own personal triggers or what stimuli has led to dysregulation of our energy. For parents and caregivers of 2e children, this means tuning into stress indicators—both for yourself and your child. Paying attention to these signals without judgment can help you and your child better understand when stress is present. Tracking these types of indicators over time is a valuable part of identifying patterns of dysregulation as well. More importantly, identifying, understanding, and addressing these signs early is essential, as chronic stress can impact both mental and physical health over time.

Indicators can vary from person to person but often manifest as physical signs such as headaches, fatigue, or stomachaches, and/or emotional responses such as irritability, anxiety, or withdrawal. Stress often reveals itself through behaviors such as yelling, crying, teasing, withdrawing, or shutting down. These actions are not simply “acting out” but signals of unmet needs or struggles with stress management.

Step 2. Get Curious: What Do the Indicators Reveal

Viewing behaviors and physical symptoms as communication allows parents and caregivers to approach them with curiosity rather than frustration. Once you’ve recognized stress indicators (the sooner, the better), it’s time to ask reflective questions like, “Why now?”, “What has recently happened or is happening that might be causing this response?”, or “Is this part of a larger or longer-term pattern of experience that we can piece together?” Recall that Dr. Stuart Shanker’s Self-Reg work focuses on five key domains: biological, emotional, cognitive, social, and prosocial. Do your child’s experiences relate to frustration or alarm in any of these domains? When you and your child are calm and regulated, take time to explore these domains together to identify stressors for both you and your child, and develop proactive strategies. For example, is hunger or fatigue impacting the biological domain? Could misunderstandings with peers or siblings create stress in the social domain? It’s important to understand that the source of dysregulation could result from an event or situation that occurred hours or even days prior, or result from various stressful triggers compounding over time.

Common Triggers for 2e Kids

Physical sensitivities such as shower pressure, wind pressure, tags on clothes
Sound sensitivities including humming, whistling, crunching, eating sounds, horns, sirens
Visual sensitivity such as finger tapping, chewing, busy spaces
Internalized shame due to lagging skills, differences between their own and others’ expectations and what they can produce, perfectionism
Frustration when tasks are both too difficult and easy at the same time, boredom

This approach encourages a detective mindset, helping you uncover triggers and patterns. Understanding these triggers can lead to more effective solutions. Recognizing the underlying causes behind behaviors and physical symptoms helps reframe challenges into opportunities for connection and support. The work to identify indicators and get curious about triggers informs our ability to map specific dysregulating conditions and plan ahead to reduce dysregulation and recover from it more quickly. Knowing these will make it easier to take proactive steps to help you and your child with self-regulation.

A few tips from our group:

Include your child in the process of identifying triggers and diving into the sources of dysregulation. They know their own experiences better than anyone. What happens in the moment may only be part of the story—there could be underlying factors or a buildup of emotions that your child can help illuminate. Plus, it’s vital that they learn to understand themselves to build their own self-understanding and compassion.
It’s not usually productive to dive deep in the moment when the child is dysregulated. Address the immediate need to create safety and calm, then debrief later.
Frame dysregulated episodes as learning opportunities. We are all always learning and growing. We all make mistakes and can learn from those and continue to know ourselves and find ways to walk through the world that work better for us as individuals.
Model mistake making and recovery. It’s important for parents, caregivers, and educators to acknowledge when they are dysregulated or have not self-regulated in the ways they’d like. And then to talk to their children about their own indicators, detective work, and mitigation strategies. This type of scaffolding is critical to the learning process and also lets children know that perfection is not the goal.
2e kids often experience higher anxiety than their less asynchronous peers. They are often more aware of their challenges, which can lead to increased frustration and sadness. They may put more energy into masking their ways of walking through the world, leading to exhaustion. These internalized experiences may express themselves as dysregulated responses or shutdown. The goal of learning regulation skills isn’t to mask our responses to triggers, environments, and situations, but rather to understand those elements so that we can walk through the world with more ease.
Remember to find times when children can boldly express their emotions, responses, and experiences. We cannot nor should we expect others to live in a state of constant emotional neutrality. There is joy in living passionately and loudly when we’re able, and doing so can be a great release.
Many families include more than one 2e individual - and their indicators, triggers, and solutions may sometimes come into conflict. It’s important to keep an eye on these situations as well and communicate as a family to develop fair solutions.

Step 3. Mitigate: Reduce, Restructure, Restore

The next step in managing stress is mitigation. Once you’ve identified what’s causing the stress, consider what actions can be taken to reduce, restructure, or restore.

Reduce focuses on minimizing stressors that contribute to overload. This could be making sure the tags are taken out of clothing if your child has sensory issues or making sure your child has access to voice-to-text capabilities in the classroom to reduce stressors related to dysgraphia or dyslexia. The goal is to lessen the burden of overwhelming situations so that regulation becomes more attainable.
Restructure means adjusting the environment, expectations, or approach to better support regulation. This might involve modifying routines, breaking tasks into smaller steps, using visual schedules, or implementing alternative strategies that align with a child's strengths and needs. The goal is to create a framework that makes self-regulation more accessible and sustainable.
Restore shifts towards engaging in activities or practices that replenish energy and bring the nervous system back to a balanced state. This may involve taking breaks, practicing mindfulness, engaging in movement or sensory activities, or using calming techniques such as deep breathing or taking a break so the child can do their favorite hobby. The goal is to help the child recover from stress and regain emotional and physical equilibrium.

As you practice awareness and build stress management skills (covered in the next article), remember that self-regulation is a lifelong process that requires patience and practice. By modeling this awareness for your child and working together to address stress, you empower them with tools to navigate their unique challenges.

Check out the next article in the series on the importance of Co-Regulation. The fourth and final article presents Real-Life Examples and Scenarios and a Reference and Resource list. Plus, we’ve created a downloadable template of the 3-Step Pathway to use with your family. Prefer to read the full set of articles in one easy-to-print format? Check out this downloadable version.

Teresa Nair, M. Ed., has a Master's in Cognitive Diversity in Education and a Certificate in Twice-Exceptional Education from Bridges Graduate School, along with over 20 years of experience in education and business. Teresa is a passionate advocate for supporting families and neurodivergent children. Her extensive background and innovative work reflect her deep commitment to creating inclusive and neurodivergent positive environments. As a neurodivergent individual herself, Teresa combines empathy with expertise, offering valuable insights, resources, and support to help both parents and children navigate educational journeys with confidence and understanding. You can email Teresa at Teresa@reel2e.org.