REEL Spotlight Series: Learning about 2e/Emotional Regulation

Important to Know: The Role of Co-Regulation (Part 3 of 4)

The first article in this series provided an Introduction and Overview to Emotional Regulation. Then, the second article outlined A 3-Step Pathway to Better Regulation Management. In this third article we ground ourselves in the importance of co-regulation.

We begin with ourselves. 

As with all skills, learning self-regulation and emotional management strategies isn’t accomplished in isolation—children will learn from the scaffolding and examples of the role models in their lives. And, because these skills develop with time, self-regulation begins with co-regulation—a collaborative process where parents and caregivers help children navigate their emotions and behaviors. Self-regulation develops over time, from infancy through childhood, and yet is not a skill children develop on their own, according to Dr. Stuart Shanker. For 2e children, who often experience delays in physical, cognitive, social, or emotional development, the developmental timeline may extend well beyond early childhood. Even in neurotypical development, the frontal cortex, which is responsible for executive function which plays a significant role in self-regulation, is not fully developed until a person’s mid-20s. 

As adults, most of us have experienced that moment when stress takes over—your heart races, you try to breathe more deeply, and you feel a slight headache building. Then someone just as stressed enters the room, making it nearly impossible to accomplish anything until one of you finds a way to self-regulate. Maybe you break the tension with a quick joke or step away for a few moments of peace. Either way, a “reset” has to happen before you can move forward together.

The same dynamic applies to your child. When both you and your child are stressed, progress often can’t happen until someone pauses to self-regulate—and as an adult, that responsibility typically falls to you. With years of experience managing stress, you’re in a better position to take the lead. Armed with this guide and a deeper understanding of self-regulation, you can approach those moments more intentionally. By becoming the calm, self-regulated presence in the room, you model and guide your child toward steadier ground, equipping them with tools to handle tough moments. Prioritizing your own self-regulation not only fosters a more supportive environment but also sets the stage for your child to practice and strengthen their own self-regulation skills.

Parents, caregivers, and educators create a safe and supportive environment when they remain calm during stressful situations and approach challenges with the mindset that “the child is not giving you a hard time; the child is having a hard time” (as written by Jen Alexander in her book Building Trauma-Sensitive Schools). This calm presence helps children learn to regulate their emotions by example. Though we understand that this calm may be easier said than done, we do believe that with conscious practice and attention to your own needs and self-regulation skills, calm gets easier and more within reach for everyone. 

Even adults rely on co-regulation, seeking out friends or supportive family members to help manage their own emotional states. By modeling healthy responses to stress and providing steady support, parents and caregivers play an essential role in helping 2e children build emotional resilience and develop the skills they need to self-regulate over time. (You might want to read this article, “What Color is Your Anxiety?” from REEL Co-Founder Callie Turk about the importance of co-regulation and a strategy she used to improve her own regulation.)

Read the final article in the series with Real-Life Examples and Scenarios which includes a Reference and Resource List if you’d like to learn more. Prefer to read the full set of articles in one easy-to-print format? Check out this downloadable version.

Teresa Nair, M. Ed., has a Master's in Cognitive Diversity in Education and a Certificate in Twice-Exceptional Education from Bridges Graduate School, along with over 20 years of experience in education and business. Teresa is a passionate advocate for supporting families and neurodivergent children. Her extensive background and innovative work reflect her deep commitment to creating inclusive and neurodivergent positive environments. As a neurodivergent individual herself, Teresa combines empathy with expertise, offering valuable insights, resources, and support to help both parents and children navigate educational journeys with confidence and understanding. You can email Teresa at Teresa@reel2e.org.